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STUDIOS SUE PIXAR, DEMAND BAD MOVIE
(satire, but rings of truth).
"Stop making the rest of us look
bad," demand Hollywood executives Hollywood — The eight major Hollywood studios have filed suit against CGI animation company
Pixar for its consistent record of quality movies. The complaint alleges that with its sixth consecutive profitable and critically acclaimed film in "The Incredibles," Pixar is overturning a decades-long public
relations campaign waged by Hollywood studios to convince the public that it's impossible to consistently make high quality films. "If Pixar doesn't get with the program, we're going to have to fundamentally change the
way we do business," groused Paramount chairwoman Sherry Lansing, whose studio hasn't produced a hit film in several years. "I repeat my recommendation to Steve Jobs that he pay John Travolta and Halle Berry $20 million
each to provide voices for an effects-laden remake of 'The Fox and the Hound.'"Plaintiffs in the suit are Paramount, Universal, MGM, Fox, Disney, Warner Bros., Dreamworks, and Sony Pictures. All eight studios have
worked together since 1980 in a sophisticated PR effort to make all Americans believe that it's inevitable most films will be poor to mediocre. The campaign has included payoffs to critics, training for film school
professors, and talking points distributed to corporate spokespeople. Because of the successful campaign, executives have successfully built a system in which they spend tens of millions of dollars each year on
development and end up producing as many critically and commercially successful films as a monkey throwing darts at a board would, according to scientific studies. Asked for comment, a Pixar spokesperson
said he believes the suit was motivated by studio executives' indignation that Pixar and Apple CEO Steve Jobs refused to send them each a free iPod Photo. According to the studios' talking points, it's
impossible to consistently make more than 50% of films be high quality, with an average hit to miss ratio of 1:2. But with its six profitable and acclaimed films, Pixar is beginning to make many Americans questions why
it actually seems possible to consistently make successful films. "Those guys are ruining it for everybody," said Warner Bros. president Alan Horn. "We can't possibly be expected to stay in business when
we're up against a studio that doesn't have dozens of unqualified young executives with little or no background or interest in film meddling in the creative process of all their movies." "It just goes to
show what I've always said," added Universal Chairwoman Stacy Snider. "It should be illegal for companies outside of Los Angeles to produce motion pictures." The complaint asks that a court award the eight
studios $1 billion in damages or compel Pixar to hire 118 unqualified development executives, option the rights to 38 scripts and books it has no intention of turning into films, and immediately greenlight sequels to
"Toy Story" and "Finding Nemo" with $100 million-plus budgets and hire directors whose only experience is in music videos to oversee them. |
